GodTube Rocks

Esquire put together a small sampling of some of the kick ass videos over on GodTube (motto: Broadcast Him). Esquire's commentary on them is much better than what I have to offer, so read it over there. But suffice it say, this shit is amazing. The unintentional comedy scale doesn't even go this high. As you're enjoying it, try not to think about the fact that these people exist in large enough numbers to get G. Dubya elected in two separate elections. Oh yeah, and church girls are freaky.

In other alcohol related news...

And the award for the worst groom in a lead role at a wedding goes to...Oscar Carpio!! Come on down!!

You've all seen movies where some asshole groom ends up banging another girl in the restroom at the reception or something, but this guy went above and beyond the call of duty. Not only did he try to nail a bridesmaid in the restaurant at the reception, but she was also married. He then got into a fight with the bridesmaid's husband. To really top it all off, he was later charged with 4th degree sexual assault and disorderly conduct. According to Connecticut Law, 4th degree sexual assault charges, which is a Class A Misdemeanor, can be brought on for a number of things, including: sexual contact with a person who is under 15 years of age, sexual contact with a person who is mentally defective, or sexual contact with an animal or dead body. While any of those would certainly make the story more interesting, it is most likely that is was just the standard subjecting another person to sexual contact without the other person's consent.

The owner of the restaurant where the incident took place, Frank Rosa, told reporters that alcohol played a large part in the incident. I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 9/24: A resident on Montana Avenue reported she was missing $33 from her home, mostly in quarters.
• 9/26: A caller reported a “scruffy looking” man with long hair and a beard, wearing a rust-colored jacket and shiny pants, “walking funny” and doing “funny things” with his arms, walking along Butch Cassidy Drive.
• 9/28: One student set another's hair on fire at a school on West Babcock Street. The victim did not want to press charges.

Suicide: Medieval Style

Sure, hundreds of people commit suicide every day,* but most of them do it in pretty boring fashion. The usual gun barrel blowjob, Saddam Hussein necktie, bathtub wrist surgery, and of course, the vodka/sleeping pill cocktail no doubt account for a large percentage of these suicides. And people wonder why they go unnoticed. The closest anyone usually comes to doing something interesting is the superman routine off the building. And then the only reason people take notice is because of the big mess on the sidewalk. If you want your passage to the other side to get some attention, you've got to step it up and do something original, something newsworthy, something medieval. This guy had to make multiple trips to the store to buy enough supplies - hopefully he paid in cash, dead people have trouble paying back credit card debt - that he had to take several trips to carry it all to his chosen spot. He then took the time and energy to assemble a fully working guillotine, before bolting it to a tree and lopping his own head off executioner-style. Police Chief Dale Covert said "I can't even tell you how long it must have taken him to construct. This man obviously was very determined to end his life." This guy put so much work into the actual killing itself, he didn't even have the energy to write a note. Now that's dedication to your cause, although in this day and age, I'm surprised he didn't videotape it for youtube.

*Editors note: "Hundreds" might very well actually be anywhere from 3 to 13 million people. No research was actually done to determine the actual number of suicides per day

Let's Climb Everest Naked!!

I'm all for nudity, but if someone suggested I get naked on the slopes of Mt Everest, I'd say "Hell No, I like my balls warm!" If that same person suggested I actually try to climb to the top of Everest in my boxers I'd probably suggest you check into a nice padded room. But as it turns out it's a growing problem on the slopes of the world's highest mountain as people attempt to set obscene world records. The actions of several individuals - such as the Nepalese climber who last year set a world record for the highest display of nudity when he stripped down while on the summit of the 29,035 foot summit, no doubt also setting a world record for shrinkage as his bare wang came in contact with freezing cold(14 degrees fahrenheit) air - have angered the Nepalese who live on the foot hill of Everest and worship the mountain as a god. Nepalese mountaineering authorities have called on the government to ban such disrespectful stunts as the Dutch man who attempted to climb the mountain wearing nothing but shorts.

Those Crazy Kids

Three Mexican minors were stopped driving a pickup truck in California. Suspecting them for smuggling drugs, the Border Patrol agent cuffed the kids and placed them in his still running patrol car!! The kids then drove the vehicle back across the border and escaped. I'd think they probably teach you not to do that on day one in the police academy, but maybe the agent was sick that day or something. Who knows.

Giuliani Sees the Light

Well it looks like someone finally informed Giuliani that - as a republican - he is, despite his previous notions, NOT for gun control. As it turns out, that lawsuit against the gun makers and distributors was just a big misunderstanding. After 9/11 he realized how important the private ownership of guns was(no doubt he now sees what a huge difference could've been made on that fateful day if only the citizens of New York had all been properly armed). Rudy would now very much appreciate the support of the NRA that he once called "extremists"(turns out, that was a misunderstanding as well) as he makes a run for the the Presidency.

In next weeks news, Giuliani tells Republican evangelicals that after 9/11 he realized his stance on women's and gay's rights no doubt contributed to New York being chosen as a target in 9/11 attacks and is now fully supportive of bans on gay marriage, abortion, and stem cell research. He would also very much like the support of the evangelical vote in 2008.

Bozeman Cop Watch!

We're gonna start a new regular feature here at SCLS. Being a native Montanan and all, I still like to keep up with whats happening over there. A few months ago, a buddy turned me onto this site: Bozeman Daily Police Report. For those not familiar with Montana, Bozeman is a pretty large town by MT standards, running around 30,000 people(remember, the whole state has less than a million people). 99% of the items in the police report probably wouldn't even get a call to the cops in New York or LA. The things that get called in in a small town are comedy gold though. Every week I'll post some of the more obscure ones.

• 9/18: A box of screws and a 12-pack of beer were found in the intersection at Amsterdam and Thorpe roads. The items were removed.
  
• 9/19: A person wrote obscene language on a check that was written to pay a parking fine. The person was warned.
• 9/20: A woman reported that she was worried about her son, who she said liked to bathe in the insecticide Raid and put it in his coffee.

The Heir of the Hair

You may not believe me when I tell you this, but that's not a Chia Pet. Nope, that's a real live baby, and not surprisingly, it's related to Donald Trump. Four month old Kai Madison Trump is the daughter of Donald Jr. and Vanessa Trump. The Trumps have denied claims that it might be a wig, and have assured the public that it's the babies natural hair.

Near Miss Darwin Award

Man bitten after putting rattler in his mouth

A normal person sees a rattlesnake and gives it a wide berth. A redneck, picks it up, keeps it, and then three weeks later tries to french kiss it. Sounds crazy right? Well Matt Wilkinson from Portland, Oregon, nearly died after doing just that. OK, so he wasn't actually trying to kiss it, but when you're putting a live rattle snake in your mouth, it doesn't really matter what your reasoning is.

"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff."

Even though Mr. Wilkinson survived this stunt, I think it's safe to say the guy won't live to a ripe old age. I only hope nature takes it's toll on him before he has a chance to reproduce.

It's the aliens!!!

Anyone ever read Michael Crichton's Andromeda Strain?

A meteorite struck southern Peru on Saturday, leaving a crater that measures 100' wide by 20' deep. Shortly afterwards, residents from a nearby village began experiencing headaches and vomiting and noticed a "strange odor." Policemen were later sent to the area to investigate and had to be given oxygen and were later hospitalized.

I don't know about the rest of you, but that is creepy as hell.

Welcome to Steal, Cheat, Lie, Sue

What better way to introduce the world to Steal, Cheat, Lie, Sue than with this story. That's right, a Nebraska Senator is suing God for “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.” State Sen. Ernie Chambers is seeking a permanent injunction against The Man Upstairs in an attempt to make a point about the number of frivolous lawsuits filed in the US. What?! Are you trying to tell me that you think suing McDonalds for serving hot coffee is frivolous? How about suing the drycleaners for $54 million over a single pair of lost pants? Are you seriously telling me you don't think those people experienced injustices to the tune of millions and millions of dollars? OK, I guess maybe I'd probably have to agree with you...