Presidential Debate on UFO's?

Finally, the presidential candidates are getting to the serious issues. Everybody's favorite elf, Dennis Kucinich, confirmed during last nights debate that he had seen a UFO at actress Shirley MacLaine's house. Later in the debate, New Mexican Governor Bill Richardson said the government needs to "come clean" about the Roswell incident and declassify all Roswell documents.

I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here. Dennis Kucinich was abducted and replaced with a superior life form(this could also help explain how the little dude managed to marry one of the hottest women in the history of politics) in an attempt to elect an alien president. The NSA is likely also in on it. Richardson found out about the conspiracy, and is now trying to get documents declassified to prevent this from happening. It's all so simple.

Unless it's all a big ploy to draw the attention off of Richardson, who being from New Mexico, could very well be an alien/human hybrid due to one of his parents being probed by aliens during the Roswell incident. You see Richardson was born just 4 months after the Roswell incident. But wait, you might ask...don't humans have a 9 month gestation period? Yes, but I'm sure the superior life forms that visited Roswell would have evolved to the point that a 9 month gestation period would be unnecessary. Richardson knows the government will never actually declassify the Roswell documents, and by calling for it, no one will ever suspect that HE is the alien.

Dog Shoots Man!

An Iowa man was shot in the leg after his dog stepped on his shotgun. No word yet on whether the dog is one of Dick Cheney's hellhounds.

Cheney, despite shooting a companion in the face last year after mistaking the 6' tall elderly man in an orange vest for a 6oz quail, also spent Monday hunting birds albeit several states away in New York.

America is not fat, we're just big boned!

OK, so that may not be entirely true, but it's not our fault we're fat. I mean you eat a couple McDonalds topped pizzas and suddenly you gain 20 lbs? I'm pretty sure that's al Quaeda's fault.

By the way, I would totally eat this. It's just a shame the McRib isn't around any more, because that would go really well on pizza. Thankfully I'm blessed with a high metabolism and a young heart, so instead of keeling over dead, I would merely suffer from some serious bathroom incidents.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 10/23: A man on North 19th Avenue was intoxicated and lost. A deputy gave him a ride home.
• 10/24: A person on East Aspen Street was stopped for having a stolen shopping cart. The cart was returned to the store.
• 10/26: A skunk was caught in a raccoon trap on Old Farm Road.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 10/15: A woman on East Hitching Post Road reported that her boyfriend was upset with her and was throwing paint at her. Deputies arrived to find both parties covered in blue paint. No charges were filed.
• 10/16: A person on Gallatin Road reported a duck at large. The person was worried that the duck might cause a traffic accident.
• 10/17: A woman received a call from another woman claiming to be from the Norwegian branch of her family. The caller wanted family information. The woman ended the call. It may have been a scam.

Sexless Wonder

You ever have one of those slow stretches when you're single where no matter what you do, you can't seem to get any late night loving. Maybe right after you graduated college and the never-ending influx of gratuitous sex suddenly ended and instead of thinking you're the cool, mysterious senior, the freshmen co-eds now just think you're the creepy older guy hanging out at the local college bar. Or maybe when you moved to a new town and didn't really know anybody yet, and you try and go out and meet people, but you've got no wingman so you can't make any progress. That 6 months, or God-forbid, a year, or whatever seemed like it would never end and you couldn't even imagine going another second without sex. Yeah, well try 80 million years.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 10/10: A woman on Ravalli Street told police that women's underwear was left on her garage door and bird feeder.
• 10/11: A man on South 15th Avenue told police his son became irate because his sister didn't cook his hamburger well enough. During the argument, the boy punched a hole in the wall.
• 10/12: A person on Camp Creek Road reported seeing a suspicious man in a vehicle. A deputy found the man. He worked in the area and was reading his Bible during his lunch hour.

Presidential Signatures

A graphologist over at Radar magazine analyzed the candidates signatures. The results included everything from Obama's sex obsessed scrawl to John McCain's psychotic scrabble.

Corn Ethanol is Bunk

The US Govt would like you to believe that corn-based ethanol is good for the world and America. Even if you forget for the moment the ridiculous inefficiencies of using corn as a fuel and the massive petroleum fuel requirements needed to turn corn into ethanol, the high demand for corn is now going to affect how much it costs for you to drink away the pain of our painfully inept government. With corn in high demand for ethanol purposes, farmers have switched from growing other grains to grow corn. This has driven up the price of food items like soy, livestock(which often use corn-based feed), and especially corn meant for human consumption. But breweries and drinkers alike are starting to feel the pain as the high prices have also been hitting barley and hops. Breweries, especially craft breweries which use alot more hops and barley in their beer(which is what keeps them from tasting like water like the buds and coors of the world) are gettting squeezed by the prices and causing increases in the price of beer. I am not cool with any fuel alternative that starts upping my beer tab, but I'm especially not cool with what is at best a short term band-aid solution that is likely to cause even more problems than using straight oil would.

Converting corn to ethanol requires massive amounts of fossil fuels(farm and ranch equipment, refining process, etc) and once it is turned into fuel, it's less efficient than burning petroleum products as fuel(see David Pimentel's studies on the energy balance of biomass as fuel). Not to mention the skyrocketing food prices(which are quite conveniently not included in the economic inflation index) as farmers quit growing other crops to focus on corn and even then that corn won't be used as food. With the number of people starving in this country and the world, how can you justify taking food off of tables in exchange for a non viable fuel alternative. In addition, worldwide, millions of acres of timberland and forests are being clearcut in order to grow even more corn(oh yeah, the clearcutting uses even more diesel burning equipment, so it's a double loss). I can see only one reason that corn-based ethanol has gotten any air time at all in the US and that is because swing states in the midwest have a shitload of corn-growing voters.

Smart Criminal

A man in Pittsburgh tried to buy groceries with a $1 million bill. Hell, most of the time I have trouble getting change for a $100 bill from the grocery store. I guess if you're buying $999,945 worth of groceries they might be able to do something with it, but you've still got to convince the clerk that it's a real bill when the US hasn't had anything bigger than the $100 bill in circulation since 1969. How people like this make it past the age of 8 I'll never know. I pray this man has never had sex, because I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be able to figure out a condom.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 10/3: A woman was warned for walking into traffic on North Seventh Avenue. She was trying to gather the cigarettes she had dropped on the ground.
• 10/4: Someone was throwing apples at vehicles along Huffine Lane.
• 10/5: A woman was cited for speeding in a school zone along Bridger Canyon Road. The woman became upset about the ticket, but a school employee was thankful for the deputy's presence.

Milla Swells Up!!

I don't know if she ate the blueberries at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory or is just giving birth to manatee, but Milla Jovovich of Fifth Element and Resident Evil fame, is getting huge. She's claimed to have gained nearly 70 lbs over the last 4 months(actually, the Russian born actress said "5 stone," I had to use google to convert into normal measurements) and judging by this picture from a recent red carpet event, I don't doubt her one bit.

By comparison, this is a photo of her from the August 2007 issue of UK InStyle.