Bozeman Cop Watch

• 12/24:A woman on Love Lane requested that a deputy attend a church service with her then accompany her on a civil standby to retrieve some of her personal property. A deputy explained to her that attending church was not a service offered by the Sheriff's Office.
• 12/26: A caller on South Third Avenue said someone left nine Christmas trees on her porch.
• 12/28: A caller on North Fourth Avenue complained that a car was parked in front of her home for 45 minutes with its lights on. The couple inside were exchanging gifts in the car because the woman was allergic to the man's house cat.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 12/18: A woman on Haggerty Lane told police a suspicious package with a white substance was left at her door. She later learned that her friend left acne medication at her door.
• 12/19: An officer assisted city park officials on how to handle drunks on city ice rinks.
• 12/20: A man at the library was asked to leave for having an offensive odor. He will be allowed to return if he is clean.

Lynne Spears maybe not the role model parent we all thought

Apparently execs at the Christian publishing company Thomas Nelson Inc, no longer think that Lynne Spears -- Britney's and Jamie Lynn's mother -- is quite the model parent we all thought she was. Even as Britney continued her rapid, whorish slide into spectacular ruins, Thomas Nelson Inc still felt that Lynne was a good enough parent to publish her book on parenting. After all, Lynne's younger daughter Jamie Lynn was by all accounts still a normal girl and had not yet fell to the same drug, booze, and sex temptations as big sis Britney. But that all ended yesterday when the 16 year old Jamie Lynn announced she was knocked up and a spokeswoman for Thomas Nelson Inc. announced that the book has been delayed indefinitely.

Bachelor dies at 116

Hryhoriy Nestor, a Ukranian man, died Friday night in his sleep at the age of 116. Oksana, one of his relatives, said "His death came as a surprise to us, he just didn't wake up again." Oksana was also surprised the next morning when the sun rose in the east. The guy was 116 years old! I would think that every day that he didn't die would be more of a surprise.

Nestor had credited his long life to the fact that he never married.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 12/10: A caller reported six dead ducks in the road on West Garfield Street.
• 12/13: A man on Thorpe Road received a phone call from a man claiming to be his grandson. He said he needed money to get out of jail in Canada.
• 12/14: An intoxicated man was disrupting an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Officers escorted the man out.

Jeopardy

This game show host was hospitalized early today after suffering a heart attack.

Who is Alex Trebek?

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 11/27: A man on East Main Street was cited for carrying an open container of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.
• 11/28: A woman on Powder River Avenue had questions about evicting her mother and sister.
• 11/28: The woman on Powder River Avenue called back and told police that her mom and sister became upset when they were served with an eviction notice.
• 11/29: Two young men were in a grocery store on South 23rd Avenue at 3:10 a.m., looking at meat. They left without buying anything. They were caught eating stolen chicken wings in a back parking lot outside the store. They also had stolen lobster.

Green Google

Google's at it again. As part of their plan to take over the world* the company is planning on spending hundreds of millions of dollars to help end our reliance on coal and develop clean energy solutions that are cheaper than coal. They are planning on focusing on solar, wind, and geothermal systems. Sergey Brin, one of Google's cofounders has said that with Google's vast data centers all over the world, energy is a critical part of their operations. "We don't need to own this. We just need the problem to be solved."

We need more companies like Google. They have shown once again that they are out to achieve something bigger than themselves. This attitude in turn attracts more of the ridiculously talented and innovative brains the world has to offer. The company probably has more brainpower than any other organization in the world, including private companies, colleges and universities, and governments(that's kind of a no-brainer). They also have mounds of cash and capital that they are willing to put to work which will help free them from having to ask for funds from governments and special interest lobbyists that could potentially influence what they're doing. This company could in all reality probably solve any problem they decided to attack.

*Taking over the world has never been publicly stated as part of Google's business plan...but come on, lets be realistic here

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 11/19: A motorist was stopped and warned for a stop sign violation on Fallon Street. The deputy noticed a large number of eggs in the vehicle and warned them about what not to do with the eggs.

Is anybody actually surprised?

Scott McClellan has written a book that is supposed to allow him to wash his hands of the blatant lies he told while he was Bush's Press Secretary. The book is scheduled for release in the spring of 2008. This excerpt was released by the publishing company:

The most powerful leader in the world had called upon me to speak on his behalf and help restore credibility he lost amid the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So I stood at the White house briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly exonerated two of the senior-most aides in the White House: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.


There was one problem. It was not true.

I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice President, the President's chief of staff, and the president himself.

Well that is very admirable of you Scott, but I've got to call bullshit. Of course you didn't know, it was your job not to know. But you and everyone else in the country knew. Luckily you've got a little somthing called plausible deniability. That wonderful little use of ignorance that lets you and everyone else in Washington sleep at night(well, that and the booze).

Beyonce & Sugarland

I'm usually a big fan of the inter-genre musical collaborations. For example, country duo Sugarland has done a couple songs with rocker Bon Jovi with pretty good results. But last nights countrified version of 'Irreplaceable' sung by Sugarland was...well let's just say humorous. It started out bad, and then Beyonce herself jumped on the trainwreck. Some songs just don't mix well with the twang of a mandolin. It wasn't all bad though, we did get to see Beyonce in tight blue jeans. If she would've thrown on a cowboy hat too, I probably could've looked past the musical faux pas.

Bozeman Cop Watch

Tuesday was a crazy day in Bozeman

• 11/13: A woman was running around in her underwear on West Villard Street. She was intoxicated and hysterical. An officer gave her a ride to a friend's house.
• 11/13: A person on West Dickerson Street told police that a man was outside making chicken noises. The man was gone when officers arrived.
• 11/13: A person on West Beall Street told police that someone put an umbrella, two lawn chairs, a stool and a bird feeder full of bird seed in the person's hot tub. The hot tub had to be drained and cleaned out.
• 11/13: A deputy offered a man walking along the frontage road a ride home. The man stated that we should all become liberals. He refused the ride.

Karma's a Bitch

Remember the judge who tried unsuccessfully to sue a drycleaner for $54 million after the cleaners lost his pants? Looks like he needs that money even more now that he's lost his job.

The sad news is that the massive legal bills incurred during the case, the South Korean family who owned the cleaners may end up having to file for bankruptcy.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 11/5: A caller stated that a man was running down East Main Street wearing only cowboy boots.
• 11/5: A resident of Two Gun White Calf Road reported that someone had gone through his two unlocked vehicles during the night. All that was missing was $1.
• 11/8: A person on Doane Road reported finding a suspicious substance in a tea pot. The substance appeared to be buildup from hard water.

Thanks Mom!!

Those British mom's seem pretty cool. I know my mom never would have sent me a stripper for my 16th birthday. And I can guaran-damn-tee she wouldn't have sent said stripper to my school to wish me a happy naked birthday in the middle of class. I can almost see the exploding heads of James Dobson and the rest of the Focus on the Family folks if this happened in the US.

Florida has Shitty Drugs

Literally. Kids in Florida are using a new drug called jenkem to get high. Jenkem is a fermented combination of shit and piss that creates a gas that can be huffed for a hallucinogenic high. As if that's not bad enough, the drug apparently leaves a sewage-like taste in the mouth that last for several days after using the drug. Is this the best option to get high in Florida? I mean, you guys are one of the main hubs for bringing coke and marijuana into the US from the Carribean and South America and you decide to huff a drug that leaves the taste of shit in your mouth for days. I'm going to give you kids some advice: save up your allowance, sell one of your video games, or hell, give a blowjob in the alley, but it is well worth it to get real drugs instead of huffing sewage. If you're really that poor, grab mom's can of Pam and a couple cans of whipped cream and go to town with that, but for God's sake, quit using fermented sewage to get high.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 10/30: A man on Hunters Way threw a piece of steak at a passing vehicle.
• 10/31: A caller on Sypes Canyon Road reported his cow missing. The cow was later found.
• 10/31: A man on West Main Street told police that another man threw orange juice into his car. The man who threw the orange juice said the other man swore at him. Both men were warned.

Presidential Debate on UFO's?

Finally, the presidential candidates are getting to the serious issues. Everybody's favorite elf, Dennis Kucinich, confirmed during last nights debate that he had seen a UFO at actress Shirley MacLaine's house. Later in the debate, New Mexican Governor Bill Richardson said the government needs to "come clean" about the Roswell incident and declassify all Roswell documents.

I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here. Dennis Kucinich was abducted and replaced with a superior life form(this could also help explain how the little dude managed to marry one of the hottest women in the history of politics) in an attempt to elect an alien president. The NSA is likely also in on it. Richardson found out about the conspiracy, and is now trying to get documents declassified to prevent this from happening. It's all so simple.

Unless it's all a big ploy to draw the attention off of Richardson, who being from New Mexico, could very well be an alien/human hybrid due to one of his parents being probed by aliens during the Roswell incident. You see Richardson was born just 4 months after the Roswell incident. But wait, you might ask...don't humans have a 9 month gestation period? Yes, but I'm sure the superior life forms that visited Roswell would have evolved to the point that a 9 month gestation period would be unnecessary. Richardson knows the government will never actually declassify the Roswell documents, and by calling for it, no one will ever suspect that HE is the alien.

Dog Shoots Man!

An Iowa man was shot in the leg after his dog stepped on his shotgun. No word yet on whether the dog is one of Dick Cheney's hellhounds.

Cheney, despite shooting a companion in the face last year after mistaking the 6' tall elderly man in an orange vest for a 6oz quail, also spent Monday hunting birds albeit several states away in New York.

America is not fat, we're just big boned!

OK, so that may not be entirely true, but it's not our fault we're fat. I mean you eat a couple McDonalds topped pizzas and suddenly you gain 20 lbs? I'm pretty sure that's al Quaeda's fault.

By the way, I would totally eat this. It's just a shame the McRib isn't around any more, because that would go really well on pizza. Thankfully I'm blessed with a high metabolism and a young heart, so instead of keeling over dead, I would merely suffer from some serious bathroom incidents.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 10/23: A man on North 19th Avenue was intoxicated and lost. A deputy gave him a ride home.
• 10/24: A person on East Aspen Street was stopped for having a stolen shopping cart. The cart was returned to the store.
• 10/26: A skunk was caught in a raccoon trap on Old Farm Road.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 10/15: A woman on East Hitching Post Road reported that her boyfriend was upset with her and was throwing paint at her. Deputies arrived to find both parties covered in blue paint. No charges were filed.
• 10/16: A person on Gallatin Road reported a duck at large. The person was worried that the duck might cause a traffic accident.
• 10/17: A woman received a call from another woman claiming to be from the Norwegian branch of her family. The caller wanted family information. The woman ended the call. It may have been a scam.

Sexless Wonder

You ever have one of those slow stretches when you're single where no matter what you do, you can't seem to get any late night loving. Maybe right after you graduated college and the never-ending influx of gratuitous sex suddenly ended and instead of thinking you're the cool, mysterious senior, the freshmen co-eds now just think you're the creepy older guy hanging out at the local college bar. Or maybe when you moved to a new town and didn't really know anybody yet, and you try and go out and meet people, but you've got no wingman so you can't make any progress. That 6 months, or God-forbid, a year, or whatever seemed like it would never end and you couldn't even imagine going another second without sex. Yeah, well try 80 million years.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 10/10: A woman on Ravalli Street told police that women's underwear was left on her garage door and bird feeder.
• 10/11: A man on South 15th Avenue told police his son became irate because his sister didn't cook his hamburger well enough. During the argument, the boy punched a hole in the wall.
• 10/12: A person on Camp Creek Road reported seeing a suspicious man in a vehicle. A deputy found the man. He worked in the area and was reading his Bible during his lunch hour.

Presidential Signatures

A graphologist over at Radar magazine analyzed the candidates signatures. The results included everything from Obama's sex obsessed scrawl to John McCain's psychotic scrabble.

Corn Ethanol is Bunk

The US Govt would like you to believe that corn-based ethanol is good for the world and America. Even if you forget for the moment the ridiculous inefficiencies of using corn as a fuel and the massive petroleum fuel requirements needed to turn corn into ethanol, the high demand for corn is now going to affect how much it costs for you to drink away the pain of our painfully inept government. With corn in high demand for ethanol purposes, farmers have switched from growing other grains to grow corn. This has driven up the price of food items like soy, livestock(which often use corn-based feed), and especially corn meant for human consumption. But breweries and drinkers alike are starting to feel the pain as the high prices have also been hitting barley and hops. Breweries, especially craft breweries which use alot more hops and barley in their beer(which is what keeps them from tasting like water like the buds and coors of the world) are gettting squeezed by the prices and causing increases in the price of beer. I am not cool with any fuel alternative that starts upping my beer tab, but I'm especially not cool with what is at best a short term band-aid solution that is likely to cause even more problems than using straight oil would.

Converting corn to ethanol requires massive amounts of fossil fuels(farm and ranch equipment, refining process, etc) and once it is turned into fuel, it's less efficient than burning petroleum products as fuel(see David Pimentel's studies on the energy balance of biomass as fuel). Not to mention the skyrocketing food prices(which are quite conveniently not included in the economic inflation index) as farmers quit growing other crops to focus on corn and even then that corn won't be used as food. With the number of people starving in this country and the world, how can you justify taking food off of tables in exchange for a non viable fuel alternative. In addition, worldwide, millions of acres of timberland and forests are being clearcut in order to grow even more corn(oh yeah, the clearcutting uses even more diesel burning equipment, so it's a double loss). I can see only one reason that corn-based ethanol has gotten any air time at all in the US and that is because swing states in the midwest have a shitload of corn-growing voters.

Smart Criminal

A man in Pittsburgh tried to buy groceries with a $1 million bill. Hell, most of the time I have trouble getting change for a $100 bill from the grocery store. I guess if you're buying $999,945 worth of groceries they might be able to do something with it, but you've still got to convince the clerk that it's a real bill when the US hasn't had anything bigger than the $100 bill in circulation since 1969. How people like this make it past the age of 8 I'll never know. I pray this man has never had sex, because I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be able to figure out a condom.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 10/3: A woman was warned for walking into traffic on North Seventh Avenue. She was trying to gather the cigarettes she had dropped on the ground.
• 10/4: Someone was throwing apples at vehicles along Huffine Lane.
• 10/5: A woman was cited for speeding in a school zone along Bridger Canyon Road. The woman became upset about the ticket, but a school employee was thankful for the deputy's presence.

Milla Swells Up!!

I don't know if she ate the blueberries at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory or is just giving birth to manatee, but Milla Jovovich of Fifth Element and Resident Evil fame, is getting huge. She's claimed to have gained nearly 70 lbs over the last 4 months(actually, the Russian born actress said "5 stone," I had to use google to convert into normal measurements) and judging by this picture from a recent red carpet event, I don't doubt her one bit.

By comparison, this is a photo of her from the August 2007 issue of UK InStyle.

GodTube Rocks

Esquire put together a small sampling of some of the kick ass videos over on GodTube (motto: Broadcast Him). Esquire's commentary on them is much better than what I have to offer, so read it over there. But suffice it say, this shit is amazing. The unintentional comedy scale doesn't even go this high. As you're enjoying it, try not to think about the fact that these people exist in large enough numbers to get G. Dubya elected in two separate elections. Oh yeah, and church girls are freaky.

In other alcohol related news...

And the award for the worst groom in a lead role at a wedding goes to...Oscar Carpio!! Come on down!!

You've all seen movies where some asshole groom ends up banging another girl in the restroom at the reception or something, but this guy went above and beyond the call of duty. Not only did he try to nail a bridesmaid in the restaurant at the reception, but she was also married. He then got into a fight with the bridesmaid's husband. To really top it all off, he was later charged with 4th degree sexual assault and disorderly conduct. According to Connecticut Law, 4th degree sexual assault charges, which is a Class A Misdemeanor, can be brought on for a number of things, including: sexual contact with a person who is under 15 years of age, sexual contact with a person who is mentally defective, or sexual contact with an animal or dead body. While any of those would certainly make the story more interesting, it is most likely that is was just the standard subjecting another person to sexual contact without the other person's consent.

The owner of the restaurant where the incident took place, Frank Rosa, told reporters that alcohol played a large part in the incident. I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years.

Bozeman Cop Watch

• 9/24: A resident on Montana Avenue reported she was missing $33 from her home, mostly in quarters.
• 9/26: A caller reported a “scruffy looking” man with long hair and a beard, wearing a rust-colored jacket and shiny pants, “walking funny” and doing “funny things” with his arms, walking along Butch Cassidy Drive.
• 9/28: One student set another's hair on fire at a school on West Babcock Street. The victim did not want to press charges.

Suicide: Medieval Style

Sure, hundreds of people commit suicide every day,* but most of them do it in pretty boring fashion. The usual gun barrel blowjob, Saddam Hussein necktie, bathtub wrist surgery, and of course, the vodka/sleeping pill cocktail no doubt account for a large percentage of these suicides. And people wonder why they go unnoticed. The closest anyone usually comes to doing something interesting is the superman routine off the building. And then the only reason people take notice is because of the big mess on the sidewalk. If you want your passage to the other side to get some attention, you've got to step it up and do something original, something newsworthy, something medieval. This guy had to make multiple trips to the store to buy enough supplies - hopefully he paid in cash, dead people have trouble paying back credit card debt - that he had to take several trips to carry it all to his chosen spot. He then took the time and energy to assemble a fully working guillotine, before bolting it to a tree and lopping his own head off executioner-style. Police Chief Dale Covert said "I can't even tell you how long it must have taken him to construct. This man obviously was very determined to end his life." This guy put so much work into the actual killing itself, he didn't even have the energy to write a note. Now that's dedication to your cause, although in this day and age, I'm surprised he didn't videotape it for youtube.

*Editors note: "Hundreds" might very well actually be anywhere from 3 to 13 million people. No research was actually done to determine the actual number of suicides per day

Let's Climb Everest Naked!!

I'm all for nudity, but if someone suggested I get naked on the slopes of Mt Everest, I'd say "Hell No, I like my balls warm!" If that same person suggested I actually try to climb to the top of Everest in my boxers I'd probably suggest you check into a nice padded room. But as it turns out it's a growing problem on the slopes of the world's highest mountain as people attempt to set obscene world records. The actions of several individuals - such as the Nepalese climber who last year set a world record for the highest display of nudity when he stripped down while on the summit of the 29,035 foot summit, no doubt also setting a world record for shrinkage as his bare wang came in contact with freezing cold(14 degrees fahrenheit) air - have angered the Nepalese who live on the foot hill of Everest and worship the mountain as a god. Nepalese mountaineering authorities have called on the government to ban such disrespectful stunts as the Dutch man who attempted to climb the mountain wearing nothing but shorts.

Those Crazy Kids

Three Mexican minors were stopped driving a pickup truck in California. Suspecting them for smuggling drugs, the Border Patrol agent cuffed the kids and placed them in his still running patrol car!! The kids then drove the vehicle back across the border and escaped. I'd think they probably teach you not to do that on day one in the police academy, but maybe the agent was sick that day or something. Who knows.

Giuliani Sees the Light

Well it looks like someone finally informed Giuliani that - as a republican - he is, despite his previous notions, NOT for gun control. As it turns out, that lawsuit against the gun makers and distributors was just a big misunderstanding. After 9/11 he realized how important the private ownership of guns was(no doubt he now sees what a huge difference could've been made on that fateful day if only the citizens of New York had all been properly armed). Rudy would now very much appreciate the support of the NRA that he once called "extremists"(turns out, that was a misunderstanding as well) as he makes a run for the the Presidency.

In next weeks news, Giuliani tells Republican evangelicals that after 9/11 he realized his stance on women's and gay's rights no doubt contributed to New York being chosen as a target in 9/11 attacks and is now fully supportive of bans on gay marriage, abortion, and stem cell research. He would also very much like the support of the evangelical vote in 2008.

Bozeman Cop Watch!

We're gonna start a new regular feature here at SCLS. Being a native Montanan and all, I still like to keep up with whats happening over there. A few months ago, a buddy turned me onto this site: Bozeman Daily Police Report. For those not familiar with Montana, Bozeman is a pretty large town by MT standards, running around 30,000 people(remember, the whole state has less than a million people). 99% of the items in the police report probably wouldn't even get a call to the cops in New York or LA. The things that get called in in a small town are comedy gold though. Every week I'll post some of the more obscure ones.

• 9/18: A box of screws and a 12-pack of beer were found in the intersection at Amsterdam and Thorpe roads. The items were removed.
  
• 9/19: A person wrote obscene language on a check that was written to pay a parking fine. The person was warned.
• 9/20: A woman reported that she was worried about her son, who she said liked to bathe in the insecticide Raid and put it in his coffee.

The Heir of the Hair

You may not believe me when I tell you this, but that's not a Chia Pet. Nope, that's a real live baby, and not surprisingly, it's related to Donald Trump. Four month old Kai Madison Trump is the daughter of Donald Jr. and Vanessa Trump. The Trumps have denied claims that it might be a wig, and have assured the public that it's the babies natural hair.

Near Miss Darwin Award

Man bitten after putting rattler in his mouth

A normal person sees a rattlesnake and gives it a wide berth. A redneck, picks it up, keeps it, and then three weeks later tries to french kiss it. Sounds crazy right? Well Matt Wilkinson from Portland, Oregon, nearly died after doing just that. OK, so he wasn't actually trying to kiss it, but when you're putting a live rattle snake in your mouth, it doesn't really matter what your reasoning is.

"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff."

Even though Mr. Wilkinson survived this stunt, I think it's safe to say the guy won't live to a ripe old age. I only hope nature takes it's toll on him before he has a chance to reproduce.

It's the aliens!!!

Anyone ever read Michael Crichton's Andromeda Strain?

A meteorite struck southern Peru on Saturday, leaving a crater that measures 100' wide by 20' deep. Shortly afterwards, residents from a nearby village began experiencing headaches and vomiting and noticed a "strange odor." Policemen were later sent to the area to investigate and had to be given oxygen and were later hospitalized.

I don't know about the rest of you, but that is creepy as hell.

Welcome to Steal, Cheat, Lie, Sue

What better way to introduce the world to Steal, Cheat, Lie, Sue than with this story. That's right, a Nebraska Senator is suing God for “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.” State Sen. Ernie Chambers is seeking a permanent injunction against The Man Upstairs in an attempt to make a point about the number of frivolous lawsuits filed in the US. What?! Are you trying to tell me that you think suing McDonalds for serving hot coffee is frivolous? How about suing the drycleaners for $54 million over a single pair of lost pants? Are you seriously telling me you don't think those people experienced injustices to the tune of millions and millions of dollars? OK, I guess maybe I'd probably have to agree with you...